New Experiments

When I look back it doesn't feel anything less than catharsis that I experienced the whole of last year. An event happened which almost completely changed the course of life, in fact, it feels as if the whole track of progression of life has been transformed. I spent many days dazed by the just overwhelming emotions and how they trampled me leaving me exhausted and gasping for some anchor, some foundation to hold on to. In the restless state I almost began with a vengeance what comes very naturally to me anyway - reading more. Read some self help books, some spiritual literature, personal sojourns of many who perhaps felt the same at some point of time, some travelogues, some travel diaries of people in search of self and so on. I could see a common thread running through all these kinds of books - what led these individuals on the path to discover more is usually some life changing event - in most cases loss of a loved one. So I could relate to the feelings, apprehensions and emotions that were narrated by the authors.

Read books written by authors as diverse as JP Vaswani, Karan Bajaj, Dalai Lama, Lance Armstrong to Sheryl.

Since the mind was so desperate to hold on to something, a few things did come out of these readings and which I gladly made a part of my life and routine. Even though these are being incorporated on experimental basis only but I do feel (at least for a moment if not more) my agitated state of mind transitioning to tranquility.

Firstly, Begin the day with a thought - Parampita (the almighty father) you stay with me throughout the day and day after day. Other mortals may have mortal parents but I have immortal parent who is looking after me.

Secondly, If any thought, any feeling or any situation brings disturbance to my system, remind myself of my companion first and then put the disturbing thing in his 'to do' list. It is for Him to take care of it, not me.

Finally, whenever hands are busy but the mind is not engaged, try to attach it to chanting of something - 'On Namo Bhagawate Vasudevay', hanuman chalisa, maha mrityunjay mantra, any other shloka or mantra. If nothing else, it does pull the mind away from negative thoughts.

Am I successful in implementing these three things all the time? No, but it is work in progress. I do consciously try to bring back the mind to these three things as frequently as possible throughout the day. Brisk walk early in the morning is the time which I look forward to, in order to try dedicating the rhythm of feet to the words - Om Namah Bhagwate Vasudevay…

A Soul City

I had heard about the term - soul country/soul city but had never given it much of a thought. Perhaps never felt anything amiss with where I was living. But when I moved, that is when I understood the meaning of how a city or country can be one's soul place because I can say that I have moved out of my soul city. Though with this move I have come back to my roots, the place where I breathed my first and the city where the extended family resides, but no this is no longer my soul city.

But what takes one place to reach that status for a particular individual. It is in fact much more than what can be expressed in words or conveyed to other person, still I am trying to put it down. I reached that city after completing 30 winters of my life, there was some amount of confidence that I had achieved already, began some routines for the family and for myself, stepped out of my comfort zone at various stages, took decisions which I always considered out of my range of capabilities, met wonderful people, formed lovely friends, learnt much more, got inspired by many, inspired many others, explored new paths, tried untried, did more, introspected more, dreamt more, developed taste and eye for uniqueness, got exposed to varied cultures, forgave more, loved more and lived more.

The city gave the sufficient impetus to my initiatives and provided the right amount of wind beneath my wings.

In short, I had sort of attained equilibrium. I was at peace with myself. Though never felt being aggressively chasing any dream or any aim, yet accumulated a lot over a short period of 7 years. 

When a city helps you - find yourself, identify yourself and develop belief in yourself, how can that city not be your soul city. It becomes immaterial whether it happens to be your birth city or no. I wish and hope someday I go back to the place which introduced me to myself like no other place did. 

Faith

I am definitely not an atheist, though I am not a spiritual person in the real sense of how we all understand the meaning of this term. I do not follow many rituals and traditions, but I don't follow any, is not true either. Some are ingrained in my being as I have seen them being followed and being performed since I was a child so continuing with them is what comes naturally to me.

Over a period of time, I have developed strong faith in the philosophy of re-birth. This may be because I do not find any better explanation for a  lot of things that happen with me and around me in the world.

I understand, there are various ways to attain enlightenment or peace (in simpler term) - a) through devotion (bhakti-marg),  b) through knowledge(gyan-marg), through karma(karma-marg).

Devotion path is not very clear to me - the doubts about what should or should not be done come as hurdles at every step on this path. Knowledge appears very enticing but I find myself ill equipped for this path too so the only path that people like me can venture is the Karma path - the path of doing one's duty in a sincere and honest fashion.

There is no great shakes in doing one's own work, one might think but that is precisely the interesting trick of this path. Day in day out, what has been designated to you, what has come in your lap as a duty, do it just the way it demands, do it just the way it should have been done. 

Identify the roles that are assigned to you, live those roles fully, enjoy being in them, dispense those roles faithfully and this becomes a way to convey to Him that you trust His decision, that you are capable of performing in that role, that you being His choice for this role couldn't have been better.

Fine, one can condition oneself to work towards this goal but what about the people around us, what if they do not recognise our work, what if they do not acknowledge what we keep doing for them and what if they do not respond back in the same terms, what if they do nothing for us in return?

Yes, these thoughts disturb the clear objective of just dispensing one's duties. Over time I have come to understand a few things and if nothing else, the same have brought peace to me. I would prefer to believe that we are not here to judge other's ways. Why worry about a human's acknowledgement when you can be sure that even your simplest of actions are/will be getting acknowledged by the one who assigned you this work. That is what matters eventually, right? Moreover, even if this is not the case, what other option does an individual have? So the best bet is to work towards your duties as if nothing else matters or exists. 

The Need

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

I have been feeling the need to create a space for myself because no matter what one says or feels, everyone desires to have just a handful of sky to oneself. Reminds me of a lovely song - Har koi chaahta hai, ek muthi aasmaan. I have been mulling over the thought of creating another blog through my main blog but it is clear, I don't want to do that. I want an anonymous space where no one knows who I am and where I am me, the truest me. Let me jot down a few reasons why this thought is sounding so appealing to me right now -

I want to write with much more freedom and liberation than when I write from within the garb that has come with the birth because I want to hear what my soul says and not how my mind interprets it.

There are many pleasant/unpleasant thoughts and feelings which pass through my mind and I want to put them to (paper)screen to analyse them better.

I just want to register these stray thoughts as they are, as I travel through this life time trying to make sense of the situations that I am thrown into, and eventually as I attempt to make peace with them.

While giving words to my thoughts, I am not looking for any acknowledgement, judgment or opinion from anybody. I do not know anybody here and no one knows me because I am not even sure whether I know myself first.

I want that time with me when I am just with myself and no-one intrudes and interferes in this space. It is like talking to myself and the good part is I get to chronicle these conversations here so that I can see how I progress over the period.

I want to stare hard at my own frailties and failures and how I am working on the same over this lifetime.

But more than anything else, there has been a lot that I want to write about, which gets pushed aside for want of proper place. Because they do not fall in any category for which I have dedicated spaces.

I want to keep posting short snippets of what all goes in my mind from time to time. I would rather not bother about whether any of this makes sense or not.